Pre-Meditation Session Journal Entry from Bhodgaya

..."We arrived in Bhodgaya at dawn this morning , and were incredibly hospitably welcomed by one of the monks. He told us quietly about how he has taught in San Francisco, Seattle, Hawaii and Dallas, and offered us tea and biscuits while our rooms were being cleaned. Residence at the International Meditation Centre includes free housing and provision of meals for as long as you need, one day or up to a lifetime. The grounds are small, but calm and clean, and are surrounded by a rural area where rice is cultivated and oxen are cared for by people who live in homes with walls as thick as a single brick, covered in roofs of thatched hay.

All 7 of us made the journey, though only some of us are excited by the opportunity to take instruction in meditation and practice a 24 hour period of silent mindfulness. Anna did not want to come in the first place, and Esty usually doesn't like group adventures. I am not sure whether Anna's disinterest comes only from a discomfort with the practice o meditation as a Buddhist art. I noticed also that as a Christian she did not participate in the Saraswati Puja last month...

The other visitors here, 3 men as I have seen so far, are maintaining a solitary quiet, and have been pacing the grounds with slow, deliberate footsteps, their eyes downward. I don't think that I have ever practiced mindfulness, actually practiced it, through all of my activities- walking, eating, sitting, all of these can be forms of meditation... I have inquired a sense of inquiry about the word "practice," particularly after reading "Can Humanity Change?" a dialogue between Buddhist scholars like Walpola Rahula (author of "What the Buddha Taught," read it) and the thinker Krishnamurti (Google him and find out about his foundation in California).

The other kids are sleeping now, Brandi and I are sitting outside until lunch at 11am. More and more I feel that sleeping is a waste, a way to pass through the hours without maintaining consciousness. What is the point of coming to this place if you aren't going to be awake to experience it? Although, when Brandi and I first walked about, exploring within the walls, looking at the yard, feeling the cool morning dew on our feet, noticing the garden of herbs, onions and chills growing, climbing the stairs that lead heavenward to shady balconies where all that can be heard is everything: my own breathing, the scribbling of Brandi's pen, birds chirping, monks chatting, construction going on, leaves rolling on the round, flies buzzing near my toes, a sheep bleating alone somewhere, prayer flags flapping in the wind, the nearly imperceptible footsteps of a woman carrying freshcut vegetables in a basket on her head, a man slf-consciously locking the door as quietly as possible and ten pacing away like a ballerina with toes pointed and arms behind his back...I remembered that coming to a specific sanctuary where silence, relaxation and concentration are offered, yeahes you the arbitrariness of location. You can (and should) practice life the way you see fit in whatever environment you find yourself.

I can't judge until I try the 24 hour meditation period for myself, but I am often skeptical when people so deliberately and consciously behave reverently- watching these men (dressed either in their safron-colored linen pants or the trendy jeans of their home country) I am rminded of a group of white-clad peopl from the group Ananda, who visited Shishu Bhvan. They walked around in a similar manner, observing our interactions with the children as if in prayer. For me, it is easy to mistakenly perceive strong faith in an individual or a group as something ingenuine and strived for, rather than natural and true, but I really don't feel any pretension here.

I feel comfortable wearing what I am, and I feel comfortable to un-selfconsciously do what I feel like, though I suppose in order to lose your sense of self (which is the cause of humanity's suffering, the disconnect created by a false duality) it has been prescribed to first master complete awareness of self in order to see its falseness. Krishnaji does not seek truth within organized religion, nor through the accumulation of knowledge, nor through a mediator or a guru, nor necessarily through disciplined practice- as all of these methods require not only that you identify yourself, but that you identify yourself with someone or something else as well. I feel pulled towards this, but still only know it as a concept, an idea, a theory, I don't see it as a truth. And it is not as if I am going to eventually work up to some enlightenment or insight; it isn't something you practice or try to attain, you just see, that is what there is to it.

In religion, Christianity, Hinduism, whatever, you build up karma, good deeds, positive action, righteous living, in the hopes of bearing the fruits of your labor in the next lifetime, or in heaven, or eternal life...Krishnaji radically throws all of this aside by proclaiming that he suffers now, now, and doesn't want to suffer now. But it seems unfathomable to me to dissociate from the self, to lie in truth, while maintaining an existence in this world, with its necessities like food, rest, sex, etc...is it possible to be human without being wrapped up in conditioning? The instant you are born you are in society, you have your mother and father. You can't live without being born, and you can't be born without two people before you, who had two people before them, ad infinitum. But "living," what is that? Breathing, blood flowing, brain cells flashing, movement of thought, perception of time...why be born if it makes you suffer? And why be good if there is no progress?..."